I was busted last week.
It wasn’t what I was caught with; it was what I was caught without – valuable information my wife (Ruth) had just shared with me.
I started out strong. As we were talking, Ruth was giving me dates for when she was going to be out of town in September, who was coming to watch the kids while I was at work, and….? This is roughly where I stopped listening. It was a slow fade, but enough to lose our connection.
At some point, it became clear by her body language, we had reached a place in our discussion that required my response. Fumbling to piece together enough of what I had heard, it became clear I was in trouble!
“You weren’t listening, were you?” she asked. I was busted. After almost 16 years of marriage, I’ve learned by now that a good defense is no defense at all. A good admission of guilt was all I had to offer!
If you have been married for any length of time, you know listening can be difficult. Add a few kids in the mix, smartphones, busy schedules, the T.V., and listening, well, can feel nearly impossible. We don’t often think of listening as an act of loving, but it is.
To turn your ear is to turn your heart in love toward your spouse.
This is what God does for us. The Bible reveals a God who not only speaks, but a God who listens. He stops. He hears. He turns his affection toward us by turning His attention toward us. The Hebrew poets expressed this in various ways.
“For what great nation has a god as near to them as the Lord our God is near to us whenever we call on him?” –Deuteronomy 4:7
“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.” –Psalm 40:1
“I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” –Psalm 116:1-2
God loves by listening. As we “image” him in marriage, we are reminded that God desires for us to not only speak to one another in love, but to listen to one another in love. In the New Testament, James 1:19 encourages us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
So how can we love well by listening well? Here a few practical ways to love your spouse by listening.
- Be a humble listener – If we fail to be humble, we will not honestly hear and understand where our spouse is coming from. Pride not only makes us blind, it can make us deaf. Humility listens long before speaking lightly. In marriage, when we listen humbly, we are putting our spouse, and not ourselves, at the center of a conversation.
- Be an undistracted listener – Life is busy and full of distractions. Listening well requires the discipline of stopping or slowing down! Turn off the email. Put away the phone. Shut down the computer. Wait till the kids are in bed. Stopping or slowing down allows your spouse to be the source of your undivided attention. While the ability to multi-task is often impressive, when it comes to listening to your spouse, it should be avoided!
- Be an inquisitive listener – An inquisitive listener is someone who not only comprehends what is being said, but deeply cares about what is being said. This doesn’t mean you have to love everything your spouse loves. It is unlikely you love football the way your husband does, or that he loves Pinterest, the way you do. More than anything, asking questions as you listen is a great way to show your spouse you treasure them.
In marriage, listening is about far more than exchanging information – it’s about developing and deepening intimacy with your spouse. “Image” the God who not only speaks, but also actively listens. Use your ears to draw your hearts closer to one another. By God’s grace, love your spouse well by listening well!
About the guest blogger:
Patrick Schwenk is a father, husband, pastor, and author of The Dig for Kids and The Warrior Weekend. Patrick and his wife Ruth are the creators of For the Family and The Better Mom. They met while attending the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, IL, have been married for sixteen years and currently have four children ages five to twelve. They love serving in ministry, spending time together as a family, reading, drinking lots of coffee, and resting in God’s grace.
